All the Shades of Grey

This is my last post here, because I know people would more or less not give a damn what I write here. But I'd like to go out with a bang, albeit a grey-coloured one.

What I mean by that is I'm wondering why I always have to see the world in black-and-white, not in colours. And I don't mean black-and-white as in good guys versus bad guys or I'm-a-freakin-saint morals versus burn-in-hell sins, I mean black-and-white as in happy versus sad. As in there are some days when I'm at least content and sometimes even happy for a fleeting moment and I'm smart and can sing and don't look half bad, and then there are some days when it's so bad you could say my voice is naturally sharp and I'd tell myself I can't do anything right and I'm so, so ugly and so, so stupid and so damn messed up. And the worst part is that I see black more often than white.

I've often wondered why that is. Is it that my life is really so bad that I always have to fall into that stupid black hole I'm always talking about? Am I just used to thinking this way? Or am I so messed up that I actually like thinking this way because it gives me excuses to cry about everything and talk about how bad I have it? The truth is that my life is not worse than anyone else's, and I have not experienced anything that no one else has...but I just can't think like everyone else. Why am I so useless?

Lots and lots of people have told me I need to learn to think positive, and sometimes I succeed, but sometimes it just feels so natural to fall into what my roommate likes to call the "emo mood". And lately I've tried to get out of it, but I keep thinking what if I don't deserve to be happy? And I don't know why I think like that, but how could such a messed up girl as me ever deserve to be happy?

I don't know where I am finding all these things to be unhappy about, but I wish I could stop. Some say I feel things too much, but as is me, I just think I unconsciously like being unhappy so much that I simply find things to whine about. Even though I don't like being unhappy, rationally, because it's very tiring. So there you have it, my life as it spins out of my control. How's that for a bang?

Little Miss Emo

P.S. I hate letting go of things I like, but there comes a point when I have to, because my out-of-controlness will completely wreck everything in its path. There are not a lot of things strong enough to withstand my destruction, and letting them go is the only way to save them.